Case-Closed

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Eternal Monologue

We Listen. We don't judge.

Always making a difference.

I’ve been living with questions in my 29th year of existence, and now I’m turning 30. The journey was beyond words. The life lessons in my 20s were immense. Looking back and realizing everything, I see how much energy I wasted on romantic, emotional non-reciprocity. I can conclude that maybe I was too pushy. I have this trait of openness and always seizing the moment. This high hope always gives me positivity in life despite its polarities.

If I don’t achieve something, I always have high hopes and options. So, I don’t feel super bad about it. Hmm, maybe it means that I know how to handle myself despite feeling disappointed and frustrated throughout the years.

I have a strong inner critic. But I finally feel like I am completing the mystery of the repeating loop cycles in my life. Case: Chasing Emotionally Unavailable Stupid Men. Sorry for my words. I admit I have an issue with these kinds of men.

Now, knowing this, I’m open and willing to seek the opposite of what I have been drawn to—men who are sensitive, emotionally available, soft, gentle, and insightful enough to truly know a woman. I know it’s possible in this diverse world.

I don't even know why I waste energy on this side of my life. What do I crave? Loving affection? Hmm. Am I closed when it comes to receiving? Have I become selective about who I allow to affect my nervous system?

I often compromise my individuality. Being aware of this will help me navigate my autonomy and create a structure that empowers me. I’m learning how to communicate my feelings so others can understand me. The work is on me.

I’m also grateful for the people who understand me without needing me to express myself perfectly. Those people have a superpower, and I bless them. I admire them and strive to be someone who listens and understands others without judgment.

This inner work is an individual practice. I don’t want to waste too much energy on this. Over the past few years, I’ve spent a lot of time on introspection. Now, it’s time to put in the work. It’s time for real-life practice. Even though I have a lazy streak sometimes, my goal is harmonious relationships in my life.

I accept having only a few, but meaningful, friendships. I’m done venturing into large groups of friends. I’ve realized I can’t always identify where I belong. Humans have a need for belonging—it’s an essential part of us. Awareness helps you identify where you belong and find like-minded people who become your tribe. That’s your core. While you can connect with other groups, you understand people’s unique personalities.

Humans have a vast range of personalities, especially today when people freely express who they are. If we don’t speak up, who are we? What are we doing here? There are no mistakes in life. Everything works together.

There’s no point in wasting energy on self-criticism, self-judgment, self-isolation, or self-condemnation. We create our own mental cages and suffer, but who built those cages? We did. It’s funny.

Me, as a Buang (crazy soul), I’ve escaped the cage! Hahaha! I’ve freed myself from my misery. I’ve ended the quest of diving deep into my childhood wounds. The wound is sealed and healing.

I wasn’t deceived by other men; I was deceived and hypnotized by my own mind. It’s not about what’s wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me. There is no lack within me. What others project is not about me.

I know how to integrate myself and how powerful I am. I’ve worked hard to get here. Most men struggle to tap into their emotions. But I know my power lies in introspection and feelings. A ghost friend once told me I can express my feelings instantly.

I’ll stay where I am and keep thriving and improving. I don’t feel bad that I left my husband. I’m not doing this for nothing. After all this inner inventory, the victim story ends. I have nothing left to say except that I’m ready to start living a brighter life.

It’s time to enjoy life. All of life comes to me with ease, peace, joy, and glory.

What others project onto me is not my problem. I mind my own mind. No one controls me. I mind my own life, too.

So what if I leave my husband? The relationship isn’t working anymore; it doesn’t make sense. I’m over it. All the men I’ve been involved with have the same energy as my ex—it’s the same vibe in different forms. So, fuck it! I’d rather sit with my emotions and seal them with love and affection than worsen them with an unhealed man.

For what it’s worth, I will always choose freedom and liberation. I stand firm with non-negotiables. If you don’t want to join me, it’s my pleasure. All is well. Love is always the answer. Love always leads. Power!

You are your own hero. No one will save you but you. You got this, girl.

This is the end of my misery of chasing and chasing. I recognize that what I seek is seeking me. My love and peace have always been within me. I trust it and always have faith in myself.

To all the men I loved before—this letter is for you!

I bless you on your journeys and wish you the best in life. Thank you for the life lessons that have changed how I approach relationships. Thank you for the gold.

It was only a dream; Finally, I have awakened. The Dragon is released.