The Golden Box
It's been a while since I watched the skies at night.
Date: April 16, 2024
Time: 2:18 AM
I’m in the mood to write. I just finished a moment of crying with myself, and a thought came to me: I should write. I don’t know exactly what I want to express right now. I’ve been in the dark for so long, and I can tell I’ve reached my deepest point—I've hit rock bottom.
I take deep breaths, staying present in the moment. It feels oddly good to breathe even in the darkest moments of life. I feel truly seen by my inner self—wounded, traumatized, hurt, abandoned, shamed, guilty, and unloved. I can see my inner self struggling to be free. My chest feels heavy as I breathe, and my eyes are dull. Yet, I feel compassion for myself.
I sense that the layers of my defenses and coping mechanisms have just fallen away. No justification. It just is. I feel vulnerable as I allow myself to experience all the pain and suffering I’ve been suppressing since childhood. I’m becoming true to what I feel, and it humbles me. It leads to self-correction.
I’ve seen my weaknesses and strengths. I have no regrets. For the first time, I truly feel content with what I have now. My friends and family support me, and I realize this is something I had ignored before. I ran away from home, from myself, chasing a love I thought would heal me—but it didn’t. It only deepened my fears. Yet, now, my experiences make sense.
There were things I was aware of, but I chose to rebel against them. A spirit of rebellion? I describe it as a form of living suicide. I sabotaged myself, friendships, potential romantic relationships, my family, my image, my career, and my relationship with myself. I’ve come to recognize my pattern of self-destruction, repeating the same cycles despite knowing the consequences. Played a fool—that’s how I describe it. Acting naïve so I could justify repeating those patterns, feeling out of control.
I’m clever enough to understand this. I’m smart. We are all smart. We just stubbornly refuse to follow our inner guidance. We have our moral principles, pleasure principles, and reality itself. We are overcoming deep-seated generational conditioning and programs. In psychological terms, this is called defense mechanisms: repression, reaction formation, projection, and sublimation. Now these defenses are falling away. I allow it, and I can feel my body shaking in fear as I overcome these subliminal traumas.
Generational emotional cords. I know my sensitivity is sharpening. I’m learning to manage it, assess my emotions, understand situations, and foresee consequences. I glimpse possible outcomes and trust the guidance within me. The Holy Spirit leads me toward goodness, greatness, love, and the best version of myself.
Life will always hit you hard until you’re done playing mind games. These challenges may appear as romantic love, family feuds, broken friendships, job loss, grief, or self-sabotaging patterns. When you hit rock bottom, you finally recognize and acknowledge the lesson being served. This comes from a rebellious perspective. The wise and shrewd are those who care for themselves because they feel secure.
In my case, I know I can feel secure, but I’ve been acting foolish, lost in my bubble dreams, pretending everything is fine while my pain remained unhealed. Now, I’ve removed the bondages, and healing has just begun. I’m grateful for the tools I’ve learned to overcome my fears.
I’m ready for the journey ahead. I saw this moment coming. My curiosity led me right here.
“Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.
Herein lies the peace of God.”
Only love is real.
All things work for good.
Love is all there is.
Painting by John William Waterhouse
“Psyche Opening the Golden Box.”
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