Dialogue of the Unpredictable Mind:
The mix of thoughts: How can I assert them? The thinker...
(1) I was living in my bubble, a dream of fantasies, knowing that I was programmed to this world I created. I viewed the world as intrusive and dangerous. Through my years of existence, I didn’t feel safe enough to open up to everything I encountered or to cultivate meaningful relationships. I was scared to share my inner world with others, fearing I might not be safe, or might be judged, criticized, abandoned, or turned down. Writing this all down made me realize that I was self-absorbed and self-conscious, which caused negativity in my beautiful, sunny life. Now, with humor and a carefree spirit, I can quiet my intrusive thoughts. Who isn’t tired of overthinking delusions? I’m right here, just in time in the present moment. I don’t want to waste this new awareness. I will savor every bit of it. I’ll fall in love with everything I do. There may be gloomy days, but it doesn’t matter. I will engage authentically with people who reciprocate the same energy. A clear mind and a calm heart are what’s on the table right now. Just knowing, just being present with every relationship passing by is what I need now. I’m practicing being an observer.
(2) Oh, love life is a quest of self-discovery. The fight, the bitterness is over. I just want to be myself. The lingering negativity and insecure energy picked up from past lovers fall away. How can I know what I’m dealing with if I’m still connected to the old ways of the past? I know it took some time. It’s enough and over. I haven’t experienced many relationships, so how can I be the best version of myself every time the awareness peels off layers of programming and conditioning? I just want to explore as a lover, not holding on too tightly, allowing for infinite possibilities. A different mindset of ambiguous, carnal love. Just being authentic with the abstract feeling. On the other hand, the balanced mind and heart are ways we can experience love as a state of being, not as on-and-off, unpredictable, changing behaviors. I would say it is a guide or a map toward inner liberation and harmonious relationships. Since I left my past lover, I’m beginning to see the brighter side of life with a less egoic approach. All of us are trying to express ourselves in life. I’m very particular about it, which made me avoid or dismiss certain relationships—likewise, if I really like the person. So, all this time, the myth about love has been revealed. It is simple, but how we interpret and comprehend it complicates things, as we subconsciously hold on to our dreamy world that we can’t let go of because we fear it might hurt us badly. But on the other hand, we miss the opportunities to be loved and feel secure. Now, I feel a sense of relief, knowing myself, what I need and want in each present moment, knowing when to pause, listen to the other person, and know how to reciprocate. Just be. After all, it’s not that bad. Actually, it lifts my spirit, and I’m simply living my life as it is.
(3) The casual lovers. Oh! This is interesting. I met men online and in person, engaging in conversations, getting to know them in glimpses they wanted me to see. Of course, people are people, and we only share what we feel safe to reveal; otherwise, it feels like a threat. In my experiment, the men I encountered were sexual and looking for something sexy. This made me wonder—does our sexuality have a big impact on our lives? I believe so. The influence is everywhere. It gives us a good feeling, but also misery if it doesn’t reciprocate what we expect. To become wiser, always be mindful of the frequency of words and gestures. Non-verbal communication is really powerful, especially with men and people in general. You can tell if the person is genuine, sincere. Sometimes, they resolve with the mindset: “If it happens, it happens.” I’ve heard this a lot from Western men, but Eastern men tend to be more into commitment and long-lasting relationships. Anyway, it always depends on the person you encounter. This is just my observation from my journey. The mindset is really important if you engage in dating. This is how you take care of yourself and your needs.
I met a guy who I think I really like 100%. He drives me crazy. We haven’t met in person yet, but his presence is luring and haunting me. I don’t know why, but I am discovering why I feel this way about him. His avoidance is somehow central to me, reflecting my childhood—like a reminder that my perception of men I like has often been of avoidant men. The taste in music, the bad boy appearance, talented, intelligent, concise, with the same interests—in short, he’s mind-bending! Psychological stuff. He represents the dark desires I can’t even express in myself. We talk once a year, literally! He has already left me unsaid twice. So, knowing this now, what we ruined was a disrespect—not for the other person, but because we compromised our relationship with ourselves. The autonomy we have with ourselves is how we govern our emotions, ways of thinking, and how we handle relationships with others. There is really something about him that shook my ego and revealed parts of me that needed recognition and letting go. Overcoming self-issues and freeing myself from negativity to live life as I want to live it. A desire to calibrate my spirit for polarization and harvest time. He really moves me, to the person I am becoming now, and contributes positively. All things work for good. Just the power of reciprocity, aligned with your truth. I’ll be fine. Life unfolds in mysterious ways, guiding us toward what we truly need. When we learn to let go, we make room for new experiences, new people, and new lessons. Letting go unlocks the doors to newness and self-discovery. The universe, with its infinite wisdom, knows what is best for us. By releasing our attachments, we align ourselves with the rhythm of life, embracing its uncertainties with open hearts. In this journey of letting go, we discover the exhilarating freedom it brings. It is a freedom that allows us to explore our passions, delve into our dreams, and engage with the world around us without the burden of expectations. We learn that we are not defined by our relationships, but by the love we cultivate within ourselves. Finally, when we learn to love ourselves wholly and unconditionally, we fill the void that often leads us to seek fulfillment in others. Self-love is the light that illuminates our path, guiding us through the shadows of doubt and insecurity. It reminds us that our worth is inherent, independent of external validation. So, I urge myself to let go, release the need for approval, and embrace the beauty of my own company. In doing so, I will uncover a profound happiness that transcends the transient nature of relationships. The journey inward is the most rewarding path of all. Life, in its essence, is a constant flow of change—a river that never stops moving. Each relationship we form, each encounter, is a beautiful moment in life. People are passersby, but each one leaves its mark in the inevitable transition from the moment we meet. We are engaging in interactions that are alive, vibrant, and dynamic, yet subject to the forces of time and circumstances.
We must come to recognize that “No connection is fixed.” It is shaped by the seasons of life, the ebb and flow of personal growth, and the changing tides of our hearts.
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