Something I'm used to

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Monologue:

2019 marked the beginning of my self-discovery journey. Now, five years later, reality has slapped me hard with the truth. What a dumb little brat I was. Damn, it all makes sense now. Opening Pandora’s box of ugly self-told lies, hiding my true feelings, and masking my complete expression with insecurities and prickly thoughts. Outwardly, I wore the mask of a fake personality.

I got tired of it.

Now I realize reality is unrelenting. Shit! What a journey it has been—from self-sabotage and patterns of disturbed behaviors to trauma that felt like it was killing me. This moment forced me to pause and introspect. Here’s the thing: you can’t change the world. Miracles don’t just happen; they’re the choices you make. Miracles are you—the embodiment of developmental growth.

In this world, everyone is just living. It’s not your responsibility to fix everything. For years, I worried too much, overthinking whether people liked me or not. My nervous system constantly refused to calm down. But through it all, there was a tiny spark within me: "Eagerness" and "Willingness" to learn.

Maybe I’m experiencing ego death—stripping away labels and boundaries, allowing life’s experiences to unfold. The bad ones have turned into valuable lessons, guiding me toward doing the right thing. Limerence has faded. Reality slapped me again, but this time, I see it differently.

My character is teaching me now that it’s okay to make mistakes. There’s no good or bad—just judgments born of our perceptions. We get attached to these perceptions and make them real, which is when the negative emotions arise.

Looking back, only a few could see the goodness in me. I detached myself easily, avoided connections, and dismissed closeness. Everything felt superficial—a jolly face and fake laughter because I believed happiness was a choice. But it wasn’t real.

Being honest with your emotions is a sign of being true to yourself. The badass self doesn’t pretend. You stop pleasing others just to feel better. You start serving yourself, depending on your motives. Reality never lies—it always tells the truth. Now, I can see the spectrum of people’s perceptions clearly.

I’ve woken up from my fantasies. Triggers and hurts are signals, teaching me what I don’t yet understand about the world. Every conflict in life is an ingredient in the learning process. Growth never stops—not until death. Life is about relationships, understanding the external world, and finding harmony within.

As within, so without.

We are mere specks in this cosmos, playing gods.

And so, I let everything work for me. I let money work for me. I let people work for me. A new chapter is unfolding, unlocking infinite possibilities. Let it come. All things work for good. It doesn’t matter if I’m just a “dumb girl” experiencing life in technicolor.

I’m on the path to liberation and freedom, and I can say that I’ve freed myself—99.9% of my perceptions. Nuggets of wisdom from my experiences and conflicts have shaped the greatest version of myself.

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The Caveat of a Spiritual Journey: Are you ready to face your shit—your perceptions?

The Journey Unlocks: Lumine the Lumina.

A journey of zoning out between light and dark.

Intention: Harmonious relationships with humans and nature.

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Let’s begin.

I’m turning 30 in 30 days. Ha-ha!

2024 taught me:

• Forcing anything isn’t a good idea.

• People-pleasing leads to burnout.

• You can’t be everything to everyone.

• Daily wins from small tasks build confidence.

• Embracing change makes life smooth (swabe lang).

• Solitude may not suit extroverts, but eagerness can open the door to appreciating it.

• Joy isn’t always present, but when it is—savor it!

• Your intuition is your best advisor.

• Saying "yes" all the time compromises your peace—stick to your true feelings.

• Never assume or set expectations. Always ask; it’s okay.

• Kindness supports your health and inner peace.

• Calmness clears your thoughts. If you feel like isolating, do it—it’s your peace.

• Happiness comes from how you perceive your life.

• Great minds balance optimism and pessimism.

• Understanding empirical phenomena leads to a better life.

• Don’t fear conflict or failure. Create, destroy, and choose again.

"We can find meaning in the most terrible circumstances." —Viktor Frankl

Reality often exceeds expectations.

In the end, nothing really matters. Every experience is valid. Our brains work differently, so mind your own mind. Life is life—good or bad, you’ll be fine.

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In between polarities: Balance. Receptive. Secure. Playful.

I’m ready to face my shit.

Thank you, 29th year of my life! Wee waa woo!